Adoption

This post is a bit different. Rather than just going off with my insights I also have questions. Talking about blended families is very interesting to me, but there are things I just wonder about.

I know a family that has adopted two girls. They have just the cutest family ever. The girls are doing amazing and (as far as I know which I don’t know a lot) they fit in so well. This mom is just a superhero to me. I’m amazed at what she has accomplished in her life.

But I always wonder what it is like to adopt two girls. How do you get that attachment between the parents and the kids when the kids are about four? How do you teach them that this is their family now even though their mom is still back somewhere else? What do the kids think? What sort of processes have they gone through? How do they comprehend having two moms? I think that question applies to many children that have been adopted or have parents that divorced and remarried.

Yet every blended family is different. I know another family where the parent was divorced and remarried and parents and children did not get along for a long time. What was different about this situation? (Well, there could have been a hundred different factors to be honest.)

I have always been interested in adopting. I just wonder what the transition is like. What is it like for those families? I wonder what it would have been like if my parents had been had been able to adopt that baby girl right before I was born. What would our family have been like?

We don’t often talk about blended families in the church. I wonder why that is. Divorce is more of a taboo subject. But what about adoption? It’s sort of in the middle I suppose. I would love to adopt one day, but I would love to know where I could find more information on blended families, specifically with adoption. 

STOP! In the Name of Good Parenting

One thing that really stood out to me this week was respect. The videos we watched talked about speaking to your children respectfully. I loved their depiction between the mother and daughter. In our society we think it perfectly reasonable when the mother runs around saying how lazy her daughter is, demanding her to listen, and scolding her over and over again. But when the act is reversed it is totally unacceptable. And it makes sense. The mother seems like a jerk when she acts that way. So why do we think it’s okay?

I think it’s because we view children so negatively. In the media children are portrayed as spoiled brats. We think of children as a burden. It’s just terrible that we view them that way when they can be such blessings and such sweet spirits.

I’m a Nursery leader and I get to be with three two year-olds once very month. Even though they are sometimes crazy or having bad days, they are still very sweet. They comfort each other when one of them starts crying. It is really amazing to see. And we (the leaders) can’t just yell at them for not being able to sit still or listen for more than five minutes at a time. That would be ridiculous.

I wish I could teach this lesson to the world, especially Walt Disney World. When I worked there two years ago I saw the worst examples of parenting possible. It was all screaming, whining, cursing, and hitting… from parents. They seemed to forget that their kids were kids. They can’t be expected to go all day, from sun up to sun down with all the sun and rain and lines. If there were only children in Walt Disney World, the place would run so much better.

I think this idea of respect applies to all ages: infants, toddlers, children, teens, etc. If we can’t be respectful to our own flesh and blood, how can that respect carry over to persons of our own age? And I don’t think it can. Respect starts with your family. So no more disrespect!

The Benefits of Orange Smelly Stuff

My family raised me up with a hammer in one hand and a spade in the other.

Well, not really. But I have always been expected to work. When our family was working on a project I was always involved. I can remember cleaning our new house when I was eleven. I scrubbed the kitchen cabinets and floors with some sort of cleaner that smelled like fake oranges. I can still remember the smell. It stayed in our house for probably two weeks. There was a lot of vacuuming, dusting, and retrieving chocolate molds from behind the stove. But it was fun. I got to have some great discussions with my mom because of it.

I think work is very beneficial to all members of the family. The mom and dad get extra help and extra time to spend with their children. They have an opportunity to teach their children the benefits and effects of work. And the children get the chance to see what they can accomplish. Work is definitely rewarding.

Children learn by watching. They’re like little sponges that suck up every bit of information they see. If parents do not work or do not work with children, the kids will never know to work.

This all ties in to scriptures. We’re meant to be hard-working people. Slothfulness is not looked on positively. There is time for rest and relaxing, but there will always be work so there is great benefit in teaching children to find joy in work.

I think this whole process also teaches children how to work. When I was single, I shocked me that some girls had no idea how to clean a bathroom. I've heard some say that they never once cleaned a kitchen in their entire lives. Their moms always did it for them. Goodness, I can’t live if my kitchen is sloppy. Those who have been working with their families will know how to be independent and that will help so much when they grow up and go on missions or get married. Then they can continue the cycle with their own kids.

I love cleanliness. I’m not the most organized person in the world, but I get such great satisfaction from cleaning up and seeing the sparkling counter tops and glistening dishes. I’m so glad my family always including me in projects. I have life skills that I can use and teach forever. In fact, those skills have saved my butt many times. When my car has acted I knew what to do because I worked with my dad on the car. I know how to plant a garden, how to organize a how, to fix simple appliances and build grills and tables. Most of all, I’m so glad I know how to clean as I am packing up our apartment at this very minute.

Work should be for everyone, not just men or women or adults. Even young children can learn from working with their family. 

Smoogey Woogey, Will You Please?

Communication in marriage is important. However, effective communication in marriage is even better. It’s not enough just to say things. What really matters is how we interpret what is said, our tone, and our body language. 

Men and women communicate very differently. My husband and I sometimes completely miss the other’s messages. For example, I’ll say “Oh, it’s really cold in here”. My husband says, “Okay”. And that’s all that happens. And it’s not that he’s doing something wrong or I’m doing something wrong. We’re just not getting the message across. When I say I’m cold I mean “Dearest honey bunches of oats, could you grab me a blanket please and sit closer to me?” He hears “It’s cold in here”. 

After this lesson I realized that we just weren’t getting our points across. I understand now that in order to communicate effectively I have to be very blatant, but kind. Women speak very kindly. We give hints and suggestions because we think it’s much more polite than asking for something specifically. However, I have had to change. Now I say, “Smoogey woogey, will you please grab me a blanket and sit close to me?” And he says, “Sure thing” and nicely grabs me a blanket. Simple. 

There are other things that I have gotten rid of in our conversations. Before I got married I promised myself I would never be sarcastic to my husband. And I am so glad I did. Sarcasm can be fun. Jonathan Swift used it beautifully in his writing (satire also.) However, it really has no place in marriage. It can be interpreted so horribly. People can take great offence at it, and rightly so when they don’t know your meaning. Do you mean to be serious? Do you mean to joke? Do you mean to be mean? Underneath the original sarcastic message is a hint of truth and derision. That was the point of sarcasm with famous old writers like Swift and Post. I don’t want to use that sort of language with my husband. Why would I be a jerk to my best friend all for the sake of a laugh? There is an apostle or prophet (can’t remember who) that said to speak with the tongues of angels. And that’s what I want to do.

Bacon, Jalapenos, Cheese, and Stress

Everyone will have stress in their lives. This semester I’m taking a class specifically on Family Stress and Coping, and it has helped me to understand why we go through rough times. 

It’s hard to make sense of a crisis. Our minds are going crazy and we’re just trying to understand “Why did this happen?” and “What will we do now?” I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know why some things happen. But when we go through these crazy experiences we have the opportunity to learn so much.
 

Stress makes us change. It’s sort of like a grilled cheese sandwich. Before stress, or the grill, we’re just a whole bunch of different people in a family. We work together well. The ingredients of a grilled cheese sandwich, say cheese, cream cheese, jalapeno, bacon, and white bread, sort of work together well. We’re not perfected though (although bacon is pretty close to perfection.) Then you put it on the grill and everything changes. The whole sandwich starts to mold together to form one unit. The bacon might get a bit burnt or the cheese might melt out a bit, but just the right amount and crispiness is left in the end. The taste of the cheese softens the heat of the jalapenos and the saltiness of the bacon. The bacon adds crispiness where the sandwich would be too soft otherwise. The grilled cheese sandwich has become stronger and better because of the situation. 

When we’re going through stress as a family we mold ourselves to fit the situation. We go through a refining process. We start to change how we meet each other’s needs and we act complimentary to each other. In the end, the family becomes a stronger unit after it has coped. They are more resilient to change afterwards.

So though we go through a bit of heat and craziness and the world seems to melt around us, stress is for our benefit, especially when it takes place in a family.

Intimacy

Sexual intimacy in marriage is good. It’s supposed to happen. We’re supposed to have joy.

I just find it interesting how many LDS families sort of forget this or get away from it. I read a book a year ago in one of my marriage classes called Then Comes Marriage. It explained how many young couples are never taught about sexual intimacy. The wedding night is a big huge surprise and a huge commotion of misunderstanding and embarrassment. And that just sort of continues their whole marriage. (Not all the time of course. Just sometimes.) I think that if this does continue, if it gets to the point where the wife (or husband) doesn’t want to have sex ever (like it is portrayed in the media) then it causes some huge problems.

We talked about how we are always striving to meet our needs. However, when we go after things that are fake or don’t satisfy, our needs will never be met. In the case of sexual intimacy in marriage, if there is no intimacy the wife or husband will seek out satisfaction elsewhere. Intimacy is a real need. 

Pornography is very easy to find. There has been a huge explosion of erotica like 50 Shades of Grey and the film Magic Mike. There will always be opposition in all things, so these sorts of things will always be there. However, I think there has been an exponential growth in the access and varying kinds of porn for several reasons. First, fewer people are getting married. They never have that emotional intimacy with someone and try to satisfy it elsewhere. Also, there have been studies showing that married individuals have more sex than those that are single. Since there is less sex, erotica and porn will be sought after. (Not by everyone. This is just a broad statement.)

I think if we teach our children the sacredness and place of physical intimacy in marriage it will help them to understand why pornography is so evil and why sex in marriage is so important.

Prepping

Marriage is talked about so often here at BYU-I that the proverbial horse has been beaten to a state of immortality. We are counseled over and over again to prepare for marriage even if we’re not looking for a spouse at the moment. We have been told to not just look for the right person, but to become the right person.

Our discussion from class on preparing for marriage made me think of how I prepared for my marriage. It’s weird to think about it now, but I had this huge moment where I decided I wanted to get ready to go to the temple. I was having a rough time with spirituality and decisions on what to do. It finally came to just getting on my knees and praying like I never had before for help and guidance. And doing so started this drastic change in my life. While before I had been relying on myself for everything, I began to listen to the Holy Ghost and threw out all the things that were dragging me down. It was during this time that I met my future husband.

This change in my spirituality helped me prepare for marriage. Before then, I thought that preparing meant becoming financial independent and learning how to communicate effectively. Those are good things, but becoming spiritually strong and prepared is more important. I needed to be on the same level as my husband. If we had not been, I don’t think we would have been married for a long time. Perhaps things would have gone differently. But I am so glad things went how they did. 

Frozen Waffles of Love

Transitioning into marriage was both easier and harder than I thought it would be. It was easier because living with a man, especially one that is my very best friend, is so much easier than living with a bunch of girls. It’s easier to share space. You’re living with the roommate that you picked for forever.

It was the “mundane” things of life that made things harder. Going to work, cleaning the house, making dinner—these were things that seemed to suck on happiness. I remember reading a magazine article years ago that said newly married women became disillusioned with married life when the dull things like taking out the trash hit. I wasn’t disillusioned. I got tired of routine.

Now that I’ve been married for ten months (almost eleven!), I am happy doing those “mundane” things. I find doing dishes very relaxing and I feel great joy in cooking delicious dinners. I still get tired and hate vacuuming, but it has gotten easier. However, transitioning into interdependent life was hard for me. Dividing up housework was a struggle for us. We’re still working on it.

But I found such great joy in learning how to be married. Our first night together at our apartment was so odd and wonderful. We got back from our honeymoon at eight at night, and finally got into our apartment which we had never seen before. We starting to unpack for a few minutes when we realized there was no heating. The manager had not told us we were supposed to have called the heating company two weeks in advance to get our heating started. This also took place in the middle of January. But we continued our night in happiness with a few more sweaters on. We got out our brand new Wal-mart griddle for some waffles (pre-made, and on the griddle because we didn’t have a toaster) and realized we had no forks. So we borrowed some from our neighbors and then huddled around the griddle for warmth. Marriage started off very differently than I imagined. I didn’t think I would be shivering and cooking frozen waffles on a semi-working griddle then washing dishes in ice water. But it was wonderful. I remember going to bed under five blankets in the middle of the living room (which was about 40 degrees), and being so utterly happy.

And I don’t think the transition will every truly be over. There will always be changes like moving or new jobs at different hours or having kids. But knowing that we had a wonderful start and that we are working towards an eternal marriage makes things so much easier. The little things like who does the dishes this night or who vacuums don’t seem like big problems. They even become easier to resolve, especially when you make sure to include the Lord in your marriage. 

Rich Man, Poor Man

The word class is thrown around very often in today’s society. The middle-class and the economy go hand in hand when discussing the future of our nation. In our discussion it was interesting to have more than economic standing correlate to class. Class can be boiled down to your reputation, social standing, etiquette, where you live, how you live, etc.

It was intriguing to think about how class ties in to Heavenly Father’s plan for families and how we should raise them. I think that where you are financial may come in the way of parenting. For example, if a parent has to work many hours because the family is in poverty, the children are left alone. They raise themselves. However, this situation can pertain to any financial situation, whether the family is rich or poor.

The discussion made me think of my own family situation. My husband and I are poor as dirt. I don’t think we can afford dirt. But that’s how it is suppose to be when you first get married. We don’t have any kids yet, but I’m hoping that by the time we do we’ll be okay financially. I want to be home with my kids. I know that if there were an emergency I would go work so that my family wouldn’t starve. But I hope that no matter where we are financial, we’ll remember how important families are. 

Attractions

Same-sex attraction. This is a difficult topic to talk about only because it is so controversial. There is a taboo against mentioning it in most LDS families. It is difficult to find the right words to express yourself when your topic is kept in silence.

We discussed a few different theories in class about same-sex attraction. One theory, by Daryl Bem, was that it develops through a series of events. The temperament of a child, how they were raised, who they played with (or did not play with), and the longing for intimacy can affect attraction to different genders. But I would disagree with a point that was brought up in class. We talked about how perhaps through explaining this theory to those dealing with same-sex attraction those individuals may change their orientation. This could happen. It perhaps has happened. However, I would argue that this theory does not pertain to all situations.

I’m going to say that some people are simply born with sexual attraction to those of the same gender. This doesn’t make them bad people.  (I’m just going to talk about those in the church to keep things simple). In the LDS perspective, if you are chaste (meaning you don’t have sexual relations outside of marriage) and keep the commandments and other covenants you have made, you are okay. You are a worthy temple-recommend holding individual. And I know that in some cases this is seen as shocking.

But it all makes sense. We are all given challenges. We are here to be refined. Some people deal with being sexually attracted to those of the same sex. Is that any different than people who are more susceptible to pornography or sexual thoughts the opposite gender? Or people prone to addictions of other kinds? People are born with those things, so why should same-sex attraction be any different?

One could argue that people develop and learn sexuality. We are sexual beings with natural desires and the need for intimacy. We don’t come out of the womb saying “I like men. Yay”, but through time we become learn attraction. And I would definitely agree with that. You are molded by the environment around you, by what you see and what you are taught to be attracted to. The portrayal of nudity/eroticism of men versus women in art is very different and may be the cause of different attractions. (The poster of The Avengers is very blatant about this and is revealed further with The Avengers poster if the gender positions were reversed). I could go on a huge rant about male and female nude depictions in art, but that’s a whole different topic that is very interesting that I don’t have time for.

So, in the end, I would say that Bem’s theory is correct. However, the theory that you could be born with same-sex attraction could also be correct. 

Of Shoes

I thought it was so interesting to learn about family rules this week. They are those unspoken rules that individual families make up, and when someone breaks those rules the world comes crashing down (Well, maybe not, but there might be a negative result). They can be very good things and keep balance in a family.

When I thought about my family in Colorado, I came up with millions of rules. One of them was that if you came in the house you took off your shoes. It was just how it was done. I suppose I could come up with reasons why like the floors getting dirty (we had white carpets) or more work for my mom or loud echoes everywhere since we had wooden floors. But really I just thought “That’s how it is”.

 When I got married I discovered that my spouse did not take off his shoes when he came in the apartment. I think my brain imploded the first time this happened. I couldn’t understand it. Why wouldn’t you take off your shoes? Oh no, I had married messy man!

We eventually came up with our own family rule that we would take off our shoes when we came inside because it would keep the apartment clean and preserve a good aura. I eventually found out why he never took off his shoes when we went to visit his family over the summer. Nobody took their shoes off when they went indoors. Shoes. On. All the time.

That was when I realized we grew up in different situations with different families with different family rules. I knew this before. I knew we were different people, but it took seeing his sisters walk around the living room in sneakers for me to realize that we had completely different backgrounds. I also realized that other family rules are completely valid. It made sense for them to not take off their shoes in their house, but you would be beaten in my house if you left them on (Not really. You would just be reminded to take them off). And that was okay.

Although my little family does not have many rules yet, I am excited to start making them. I’m excited to create our own little thing where we can function and complement each other in our rules and roles. After all, what is marriage without a bit of creativity?

Birth Rates, Bless Me!

It was very interesting this week to look at trends concerning families. One of the most interesting was that people are having fewer children. This is odd to think about when you constantly hear about overpopulation. This is especially odd in LDS culture where every way you look there are kids popping out of the ground. A good example of this is my husband’s family where he grew up with six sisters.

But it is true that people are having fewer children in the world. As I thought about that, it made me think of the Developing World class I took last semester. In that class we looked at the birth rates of developing countries and found that they are declining. Years ago, women in those countries would have many children for several reasons: more family members to help and to take care of the parents, no birth control, and more chances that a child would survive to adulthood. But then women, and more men, started to become educated, more technology and medical care became available, fewer children under five were dying, and families made more money. The birth rate declined.

Though the birth rate declining for different countries is for different reasons, I still thought it very interesting to compare the information from two classes.

I also thought about how many children I want. We discussed how the family size we were brought up in will influence how many children we want. I know that I have always wanted three or four kids. And, funnily enough, my parents had three kids. But I also feel overwhelmed in large families where there are many kids. I’m just not use to it and I’m out of my comfort zone in those situations (although that is sort of what life does, puts you out of your comfort zone so that you can learn). However many children I have is fine with me. If I’m supposed to have three, awesome. If I’m supposed to have seven, awesome and Lord bless with extra, extra strength. 

Another Beginning!

Here begins a new semester and new insights into the family. Hurrah!