Prepping

Marriage is talked about so often here at BYU-I that the proverbial horse has been beaten to a state of immortality. We are counseled over and over again to prepare for marriage even if we’re not looking for a spouse at the moment. We have been told to not just look for the right person, but to become the right person.

Our discussion from class on preparing for marriage made me think of how I prepared for my marriage. It’s weird to think about it now, but I had this huge moment where I decided I wanted to get ready to go to the temple. I was having a rough time with spirituality and decisions on what to do. It finally came to just getting on my knees and praying like I never had before for help and guidance. And doing so started this drastic change in my life. While before I had been relying on myself for everything, I began to listen to the Holy Ghost and threw out all the things that were dragging me down. It was during this time that I met my future husband.

This change in my spirituality helped me prepare for marriage. Before then, I thought that preparing meant becoming financial independent and learning how to communicate effectively. Those are good things, but becoming spiritually strong and prepared is more important. I needed to be on the same level as my husband. If we had not been, I don’t think we would have been married for a long time. Perhaps things would have gone differently. But I am so glad things went how they did. 

Frozen Waffles of Love

Transitioning into marriage was both easier and harder than I thought it would be. It was easier because living with a man, especially one that is my very best friend, is so much easier than living with a bunch of girls. It’s easier to share space. You’re living with the roommate that you picked for forever.

It was the “mundane” things of life that made things harder. Going to work, cleaning the house, making dinner—these were things that seemed to suck on happiness. I remember reading a magazine article years ago that said newly married women became disillusioned with married life when the dull things like taking out the trash hit. I wasn’t disillusioned. I got tired of routine.

Now that I’ve been married for ten months (almost eleven!), I am happy doing those “mundane” things. I find doing dishes very relaxing and I feel great joy in cooking delicious dinners. I still get tired and hate vacuuming, but it has gotten easier. However, transitioning into interdependent life was hard for me. Dividing up housework was a struggle for us. We’re still working on it.

But I found such great joy in learning how to be married. Our first night together at our apartment was so odd and wonderful. We got back from our honeymoon at eight at night, and finally got into our apartment which we had never seen before. We starting to unpack for a few minutes when we realized there was no heating. The manager had not told us we were supposed to have called the heating company two weeks in advance to get our heating started. This also took place in the middle of January. But we continued our night in happiness with a few more sweaters on. We got out our brand new Wal-mart griddle for some waffles (pre-made, and on the griddle because we didn’t have a toaster) and realized we had no forks. So we borrowed some from our neighbors and then huddled around the griddle for warmth. Marriage started off very differently than I imagined. I didn’t think I would be shivering and cooking frozen waffles on a semi-working griddle then washing dishes in ice water. But it was wonderful. I remember going to bed under five blankets in the middle of the living room (which was about 40 degrees), and being so utterly happy.

And I don’t think the transition will every truly be over. There will always be changes like moving or new jobs at different hours or having kids. But knowing that we had a wonderful start and that we are working towards an eternal marriage makes things so much easier. The little things like who does the dishes this night or who vacuums don’t seem like big problems. They even become easier to resolve, especially when you make sure to include the Lord in your marriage. 

Rich Man, Poor Man

The word class is thrown around very often in today’s society. The middle-class and the economy go hand in hand when discussing the future of our nation. In our discussion it was interesting to have more than economic standing correlate to class. Class can be boiled down to your reputation, social standing, etiquette, where you live, how you live, etc.

It was intriguing to think about how class ties in to Heavenly Father’s plan for families and how we should raise them. I think that where you are financial may come in the way of parenting. For example, if a parent has to work many hours because the family is in poverty, the children are left alone. They raise themselves. However, this situation can pertain to any financial situation, whether the family is rich or poor.

The discussion made me think of my own family situation. My husband and I are poor as dirt. I don’t think we can afford dirt. But that’s how it is suppose to be when you first get married. We don’t have any kids yet, but I’m hoping that by the time we do we’ll be okay financially. I want to be home with my kids. I know that if there were an emergency I would go work so that my family wouldn’t starve. But I hope that no matter where we are financial, we’ll remember how important families are. 

Attractions

Same-sex attraction. This is a difficult topic to talk about only because it is so controversial. There is a taboo against mentioning it in most LDS families. It is difficult to find the right words to express yourself when your topic is kept in silence.

We discussed a few different theories in class about same-sex attraction. One theory, by Daryl Bem, was that it develops through a series of events. The temperament of a child, how they were raised, who they played with (or did not play with), and the longing for intimacy can affect attraction to different genders. But I would disagree with a point that was brought up in class. We talked about how perhaps through explaining this theory to those dealing with same-sex attraction those individuals may change their orientation. This could happen. It perhaps has happened. However, I would argue that this theory does not pertain to all situations.

I’m going to say that some people are simply born with sexual attraction to those of the same gender. This doesn’t make them bad people.  (I’m just going to talk about those in the church to keep things simple). In the LDS perspective, if you are chaste (meaning you don’t have sexual relations outside of marriage) and keep the commandments and other covenants you have made, you are okay. You are a worthy temple-recommend holding individual. And I know that in some cases this is seen as shocking.

But it all makes sense. We are all given challenges. We are here to be refined. Some people deal with being sexually attracted to those of the same sex. Is that any different than people who are more susceptible to pornography or sexual thoughts the opposite gender? Or people prone to addictions of other kinds? People are born with those things, so why should same-sex attraction be any different?

One could argue that people develop and learn sexuality. We are sexual beings with natural desires and the need for intimacy. We don’t come out of the womb saying “I like men. Yay”, but through time we become learn attraction. And I would definitely agree with that. You are molded by the environment around you, by what you see and what you are taught to be attracted to. The portrayal of nudity/eroticism of men versus women in art is very different and may be the cause of different attractions. (The poster of The Avengers is very blatant about this and is revealed further with The Avengers poster if the gender positions were reversed). I could go on a huge rant about male and female nude depictions in art, but that’s a whole different topic that is very interesting that I don’t have time for.

So, in the end, I would say that Bem’s theory is correct. However, the theory that you could be born with same-sex attraction could also be correct. 

Of Shoes

I thought it was so interesting to learn about family rules this week. They are those unspoken rules that individual families make up, and when someone breaks those rules the world comes crashing down (Well, maybe not, but there might be a negative result). They can be very good things and keep balance in a family.

When I thought about my family in Colorado, I came up with millions of rules. One of them was that if you came in the house you took off your shoes. It was just how it was done. I suppose I could come up with reasons why like the floors getting dirty (we had white carpets) or more work for my mom or loud echoes everywhere since we had wooden floors. But really I just thought “That’s how it is”.

 When I got married I discovered that my spouse did not take off his shoes when he came in the apartment. I think my brain imploded the first time this happened. I couldn’t understand it. Why wouldn’t you take off your shoes? Oh no, I had married messy man!

We eventually came up with our own family rule that we would take off our shoes when we came inside because it would keep the apartment clean and preserve a good aura. I eventually found out why he never took off his shoes when we went to visit his family over the summer. Nobody took their shoes off when they went indoors. Shoes. On. All the time.

That was when I realized we grew up in different situations with different families with different family rules. I knew this before. I knew we were different people, but it took seeing his sisters walk around the living room in sneakers for me to realize that we had completely different backgrounds. I also realized that other family rules are completely valid. It made sense for them to not take off their shoes in their house, but you would be beaten in my house if you left them on (Not really. You would just be reminded to take them off). And that was okay.

Although my little family does not have many rules yet, I am excited to start making them. I’m excited to create our own little thing where we can function and complement each other in our rules and roles. After all, what is marriage without a bit of creativity?

Birth Rates, Bless Me!

It was very interesting this week to look at trends concerning families. One of the most interesting was that people are having fewer children. This is odd to think about when you constantly hear about overpopulation. This is especially odd in LDS culture where every way you look there are kids popping out of the ground. A good example of this is my husband’s family where he grew up with six sisters.

But it is true that people are having fewer children in the world. As I thought about that, it made me think of the Developing World class I took last semester. In that class we looked at the birth rates of developing countries and found that they are declining. Years ago, women in those countries would have many children for several reasons: more family members to help and to take care of the parents, no birth control, and more chances that a child would survive to adulthood. But then women, and more men, started to become educated, more technology and medical care became available, fewer children under five were dying, and families made more money. The birth rate declined.

Though the birth rate declining for different countries is for different reasons, I still thought it very interesting to compare the information from two classes.

I also thought about how many children I want. We discussed how the family size we were brought up in will influence how many children we want. I know that I have always wanted three or four kids. And, funnily enough, my parents had three kids. But I also feel overwhelmed in large families where there are many kids. I’m just not use to it and I’m out of my comfort zone in those situations (although that is sort of what life does, puts you out of your comfort zone so that you can learn). However many children I have is fine with me. If I’m supposed to have three, awesome. If I’m supposed to have seven, awesome and Lord bless with extra, extra strength. 

Another Beginning!

Here begins a new semester and new insights into the family. Hurrah!